Funny Jokes!!!

[Josef]

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[Schneider]

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

That is awesome!

[Schneider]

Guys, you are the best.

This is so funny!

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

[Schneider]

Advertisement

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks

10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I'm using one of my old undershirts."

9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It's a legal alternative to crack."

8. "Let me make sure that's not too hot."

7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."

6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."

5. "Sugar with that?"

4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"

3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin' Donuts for coffee, I'll break your legs!"

2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me."

1. "After work, I'm gonna pick up a hooker-uccino."

[Josef]

Let me add some more:

 - Top 10 Dumb Guy Complaints About "The Lord of the Rings"

10. "I expected something, you know, more Hobbity"

9. "'Middle Earth' scenes clearly shot on regular Earth"

8. "It was real long and not a cartoon"

7. "Accidentally put butter on my Twizzlers"

6. "My name is Stu -- how come there aren't any Hobbits named Stu?"

5. "Where the hell is Chewbacca?"

4. "If they're going to have magic, why not bring back the rapping kangaroo?"

3. "Couldn't focus on movie -- kept thinking about how I blew all my money on the Giants"

2. "I kept trying to talk to Frodo, but he ignored me like he's 'all that'"

1. "I haven't seen it yet -- I'm too busy governing California"

[Priceless]

1. "I haven't seen it yet -- I'm too busy governing California"

That is not actual anymore.

[yoshi54]

Mine is not a top ten but........

FUNNY DEFINITIONS

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye

CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people

CHICKENS
The only creatures you eat before they
are born and after they are dead

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

GOSSIP
A person who will never tell a lie if the
truth will do more damage

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better

 RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed

WRINKLES
Something other people have
You have character lines

[Josef]

Cool, I like Chickens and Gossip!

[Schneider]

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed

This is cool!

[Josef]

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

This phrase describes Forex very well.

[Schneider]

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

[tom_tom]

Driving Drunk

"But officer, I was just riding my lawn mower."

Well, yes, he was just driving his lawn mower. But it was 1:00 in the morning in Iowa and he was driving on the highway, all over the road, with no headlights. His blood alcohol level was .19 which is well above the limit of .08. In Iowa it is illegal to drive any kind of motorized vehicle anywhere while you are drunk.

[Josef]

Why I'm Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.


140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

[tom_tom]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[trader_john]

Time to Join the Party!

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.