Author Topic: Funny Jokes!!! (Read 12335 times)

JohnT · « **Reply #45 on:** June 01, 2011, 11:16:52 am »

Why this thread isn't so popular?

Josef can you rename it to "Good Jokes"

Josef · « **Reply #46 on:** June 02, 2011, 08:21:05 am »

Quote from: JohnT on June 01, 2011, 11:16:52 am

Why this thread isn't so popular?

Josef can you rename it to "Good Jokes"

Done

!

_________________________________________________________________

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

�Mother, where do babies come from?�

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, �Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.�

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, �That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy�s vagina. That�s how you get a baby, honey.� The child seems to comprehend.

�Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy�s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?�

�Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.�

Josef · « **Reply #47 on:** June 02, 2011, 08:31:23 am »

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

Young · « **Reply #48 on:** June 02, 2011, 11:35:38 am »

This is amazing!

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.."

Josef · « **Reply #49 on:** June 02, 2011, 01:13:29 pm »

Quote from: Young on June 02, 2011, 11:35:38 am

This is amazing!

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.."

Josef · « **Reply #50 on:** June 06, 2011, 01:09:13 pm »

Why did god create Adam before he created eve?

Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

JohnT · « **Reply #51 on:** June 06, 2011, 01:53:30 pm »

Healing the Sick
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

JohnT · « **Reply #52 on:** June 07, 2011, 08:08:09 am »

Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

tom_tom · « **Reply #53 on:** June 07, 2011, 01:52:23 pm »

Quote

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Law of Universe

Josef · « **Reply #54 on:** June 08, 2011, 07:56:17 am »

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.
Arthur C. Clarke

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?
Friedrich Nietzsche

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter OToole

Josef · « **Reply #55 on:** June 09, 2011, 05:57:06 am »

GM Like Computer Industry
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.

tom_tom · « **Reply #56 on:** June 09, 2011, 09:10:55 am »

Quote

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

I love Mac!

qbast · « **Reply #57 on:** June 09, 2011, 09:32:57 am »

Quote from: tom_tom on June 09, 2011, 09:10:55 am

Quote
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

I love Mac!

Ooh, another good joke

JohnT · « **Reply #58 on:** June 10, 2011, 07:37:45 am »

Quote from: qbast on June 09, 2011, 09:32:57 am

Quote from: tom_tom on June 09, 2011, 09:10:55 am
Quote
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

I love Mac!

Ooh, another good joke

Go ahead and post your favorite one.

Josef · « **Reply #59 on:** June 14, 2011, 09:02:07 am »

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?

His lips start moving.

Author Topic: Funny Jokes!!! (Read 12335 times)

JohnT

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Josef

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Josef

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Young

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Josef

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Josef

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JohnT

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JohnT

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tom_tom

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Josef

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Josef

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tom_tom

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qbast

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JohnT

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Josef

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